PlanWerk acknowledges return of unnamed individual to Melbourne

MELBOURNE, VIC: PlanWerk can confirm that an individual whose name has been redacted has returned from Thailand. The decision to withhold his identity was made on advice from Legal, which at this stage is just someone typing “probably shouldn’t” in Slack.

Since his arrival, Melbourne has recorded a sharp increase in unsolicited commercial advice and the phrase “we should grab a beer, I’ve got a few ideas.”

The individual is understood to have completed an extensive tour of Southeast Asian markets, primarily establishments where the market price could be negotiated while wearing thongs.

An investor meeting is now being arranged. No investment has been confirmed, but he has said “leave it with me” with enough confidence that we’ve updated the forecast.

“We cannot identify him,” a PlanWerk spokesperson said. “We can only confirm that Michael is his first name and that a shepherd traditionally looks after sheep. We trust the media will respect his privacy.”

Staff first suspected his return when a meeting invitation appeared with no agenda, no end time, and the title “Quick one.”

A quiet shiver passed through the office.

Then another.

By 9:14 am, the phenomenon had been formally classified as “Shivers.”

Staff have been advised to remain calm, maintain normal operations, and avoid asking how Thailand was unless they have the remainder of the afternoon available.

His return to Melbourne was expected. His availability for a quick catch-up was not.

The holiday is over. He’s had a few thoughts about the business.

ENDS

Media enquiries: Please don’t give him another reason to call.